Dream #5

Last night I dreamt that my father was marrying me off to my cousin to cover my tracks — hide the fact that I was actually already married, but to a man.

So I will say that I am currently married to a man. The cousin in question is also a first-cousin and also someone I grew up with.

The dream followed a rhythm not unlike the film Groundhog Day. It would follow and repeat 3 beats: I’m in class, waiting for the wedding; taking a shower to prep for the wedding that’s already being set up outside the undraped windows; the wedding procession/actually talking to people. I never actually get married. Instead, I always find a way to get out of it. But then I “wake up” revealing myself to actually have been daydreaming in class. This repeated itself about 5 times. I’ll record the ones I remember.

The class I was in was chemistry, my most hated subject in high-school. I was surrounded by classmates and was dreading the end of class — almost like one of those shows where a kid knows that a bully is waiting for him after school to beat him up. I don’t remember too much of the class scenes, except one where I straight up just ran away cause I was so scared and anxious.

The bathroom scenes were more interesting. They reveal the long history I’ve had with my father and his obsession with aesthetics. He’s often scolded me for having greasy hair, or not caring about my appearance. “What if you bump into an employer while you look like that” he’d say. It’s always been difficult to communicate to him how my depression affects my care for such things, so it’s interesting that this was a part of the dream — especially since the whole thing is clearly about our relationship.

While I’m showering, I notice the windows in front of me aren’t covered. These windows actually look a lot like the ones in my grandparents house in the village. Through the windows I notice that people are already filing in and taking seats in preparation for the wedding, which is crazy cause it was like, 7 am. Another interesting motif because, indeed, my father has always been concerned with my irregular sleep patterns — which usually exasperates my anxiety surrounding it.

I try to cover the window with the curtains but they won’t shut. I have no other choice than to shower in front of everyone. And of course, I have to shower, otherwise I’d disappoint my father. What kind of son goes to his wedding with greasy hair? What will people say?

All my other memories are vague, but I remember one scene during a sort of reception where I actually see my cousin, Maya, my bride-to-be. I remember asking her “Do you even want to get married?” and in her typical nonchalant manner says “Yeah sure, whatever. If you want to, sure.”

There’s a scene with my father but its lost in the ether of memory.

This dream was super literal. It brings up a lot of underlying tension that I don’t feel like I can deal with at the moment. I’ve been very clear that, for now, I have urgent things that need tending to, psychologically speaking. But as dreams do, this one doesn’t care about what I want, it just brings the shit from out of the sewers and onto the surface and leaves me suffocating in a pool of my own shit.